A Different Kind of Dependency
A year and a half ago I put a moratorium on my drinking. Part of my “trap” included telling myself that I’d get in better shape and lose the pounds that 4,000 empty calories a week had piled on. My metabolism was so damaged from the alcoholism that I didn’t lose weight, I gained it. Anyway, after much dieting and lots and lots of exercise (including a 17 mile backpacking trip) I was starting to feel like I was in the shape of my life.
THEN a month ago I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I’m like of course I’d be the healthiest I’ve been in twenty years and get CANCER. Of course. This is just the pattern of my life. The video game producers of “Malia’s Life” just love seeing me in these compromising positions and find it humorous to see how I’m going to react.
My health has declined rapidly in the last month. The stress of knowing what is going on and feeling helpless is breaking me down. I find myself in this odd dichotomy that once upon a time I was drinking to fill an innermost need to bond…and it did. Now that I don’t have booze as a crutch I’ve been spun into a disease that I am finding out has so much to do with a need to be loved. The fatigue I feel is not a regular tired fatigue. It is an emotional, guttural demand for more nurturing than can be provided by the world combined. It is sobriety boot camp, facing the thing that drove me to drink and more than I’ve felt in my whole life (and this is coming from a woman that drove herself to the hospital to have a baby…alone). My life has been marked by loneliness and self-reliance.
My pregnancy led me on a path where I hit rock bottom. The kind of rock bottom that spiritual awakenings come from. I can see that this trial in my life is forcing me to let people in where I don’t want to. I want to do this on my own, but I can’t. I don’t know where I’ll be at the end of this, but I’d like to write so I don’t forget where I started.
In two weeks I start the chemoradiation process. Right now I’m dealing with my body fighting the disease and lots and lots of testing which is tiring as well. Medium is like my journal or where I kind of mess around with writing before submitting it elsewhere so I’m going to be chronicling the journey so I don’t lose it…basically. Meaning both my mind and the actual process.