Exit Booze, Enter Energy Drink

Been doing a clinical research study in my bathroom. The sample group of my bowels has shown a positive correlation between two or more energy drinks and diarrhea. The good news is I’m not throwing up out of my mouth any more.

I’m sorry, that’s pretty gross and I’m going to tell you what I’ve been telling everyone that tries to go in the bathroom after me, “You might not want to come in here.” You’re already here though so maybe we can forge through the discomfort like a turd in the lower intenstine. Okay, see that wasn’t so bad.

Every time I quit booze it seems like I substitute it with something equally unhealthy. Right now my body has a spiking utility bill issued by Red Bull and it’s costing me my digestive system. One time I binge watched six seasons of the Office (before it got lame) and couldn’t have a conversation without quoting Michael Scott and it nearly cost me my social life. Another time I got addicted to recovery and thought about starting a meeting’s meeting for people addicted to meetings. These meetings were ruining my life and I ended up drinking to restore myself back to sanity. I handed all of my problems to God, just like they suggested, meanwhile I went and had a beer.

But still, here I am again, self-medicating and hence creating a longer list of symptoms that need treatment.

Drinking Johnny Bootlegger on a Champagne budget. Editor @ www.DIYrrhea.com and www.realfakepersonals.com

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