How To Break It To Your Partner That You are a Reptilian Crossbreed Shapeshifter
It’s a Saturday and you are an omnipotent reptilian crossbreed shapeshifter from the planet Oreck.
But your partner doesn’t know that.
He/she thinks you are sampling narcissim on your way to settling on a mild bi-polar diagnosis. You considered telling them via the Kaitlyn Jenner method i.e. ripping off your face and telling them to deal, but just like KJ you’re not going to know where to store your junk if things don’t work out.
Here are a few tips for telling your partner that you are part king cobra.
- Compare it to a disease. There’s no cure for cancer and what is the difference between cancer and your desire to infiltrate an entire population through whatever means possible, including radio frequency mind control, forging citizenship, running for president, and Lady Gaga. A person can’t just snap out of depression just like you can’t stop dropping tail every time a preditor is nearby.
- Minimize. “I may be the spawn of an entire race of xenocide obsessed amphibians who have taken the form of xenocide obsessed old white politicians, but at least I don’t leave the jar of pickle juice in the fridge after eating all of the pickles.” Let’m have it. You may not be great at hiding the fact that there is a fifteen foot GEICO spokesperson from outter space under your cardigan, but you sure know how to get the last say!
- Drop Bible References. “Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.” This is like saying “I’m an erect alligator and you did alot of weird stuff too.” Nobody is perfect…except that you are actually part of a supreme race that is essentially perfect.
- Justification. Let them know that just because you are part of a supreme race intent on cleansing the earth of human waste doesn’t mean that you go around throwing it in other peoples faces. Explain that you expect they should follow suit. At this time you may want to cleverly mention that by “suit” you are talking metaphorically, but also literally (cue reveal).
- Remind them of all of the Famous Crossbreed Shapeshifters and their accomplishments. Justin Bieber made the “Purpose” album. Steve-O did the anesthesia olympics. George W. Bush has a highway named after him. It’s not all red eyes and power bender’s, there’s actually a lot of good that comes out of being an iguana of the highest order.
- Let them in on the perks. Since you can shapeshift, they can be with a new lover every night. As long as they don’t think about the fact there is a perverted Salamander (possibly impregnating them with the new dark lord) behind those eyes, it should be all good.
If these tactics don’t help ease your partner into accepting the fact that you are indeed part of a global conspiracy that aims to enslave the human race then fuck em. You know what they say, if they can’t accept the lizard in you they didn’t love you in the first place.