I Can Finally Say That My Home Is Drugs Free

Thanks to the help of a little stimulus money and some neighborhood slackers

Photo by LexScope on Unsplash

Before the crisis I was selling merchant services over the phone. When I lost my job due to COVID I was actually able to dedicate myself full time to my dream of being perma stoned, buying seeds and growing mad amounts of sweet kush. I found a few select people from my neighborhood that had been laid off who had this same idea.

There’s Jay (he got that name cause he smokes so much weed), he’s a valet driver that doubles as a KJ. If I get sick of him talking about COVID conspiracies I just bring up Steely Dan and it sets him off in almost a trance-like musical appreciation state. Sometimes he gets on 9–11 and I just look up “Hey nineteen” on Spotify.

Marz calls himself a promoter cause he has a stack of business cards he made on Vista print, but his real job is renting out electric panda bears for kids to ride around the mall with. He has big dreams of creating the earthquake box (it looks like a coffin, so if a person doesn’t survive the fall it makes it super convenient for the family to barry them) but for now he’s climbing the weed ladder. Like, I can literally see him out the window right now on the slide in his backyard going up what he calls the “weed ladder”.

Then there’s Goji who is a hippy-stoner that used to work at the vape shop down the road, but now she’s busy clipping plants and using my wifi to search the internet. I looked up her history one day which included the phrases “How to make colloidal silver in your bathroom” and “Can you use amethyst to make people like you?” among thousands of other unpopular google keywords.

Don is an older artist who started a existentialist coalition that meets on his website which just has a black background and a bunch of flashing green marijuana leaves. His username is Armaget-it-on420. He claims that he was one of the “original burners” and since I don’t know what that means I’ll easily distract him with questions when he brings that up like “Who was the guitarist for Steely Dan?”

Lastly, is a guy named Jeff Bridges (sounds last-minute-made-up) and a dude that calls himself Jager bomb. Both those guys live together and although they look unemployed, they’ve been very adament about the fact that…