Bachelor in Paradise is like school in the summer…no class

Wondering where you can find a combo of Wet Hot American Summer, Bad Girls Club, Elvis’ Spinout and Cape Fear all in the same ABC Bachelor Franchise Spinoff? Hmmm, let’s see…

The Bachelor in Paradise!

Producers of this show take guys who are typically arrogant, edgy pricks and add bathing suits which takes their survival rating down to a .02. Studies show the demographic tuning into this program is less secure than the average ‘Bachelor’ viewer and suffers from an array of grave mental illnesses ranging from Party Bulemia (drinking to lose weight) all the way down to Realty TV star envy (I almost got on the Real World once). These viewers also possess a unique brand of misery that attracts them to watch shows that give them a backstage pass to witness backstabbing before the victim even knows it.

For those of us who had a lame summer this year, such as myself, it is cathartic to live vicariously through attractive people drinking endless amounts of hard lemonade, hooking up, breaking up, falling on their asses and wiping tears away with pterodactyl size acrylic nails. It reminds me that I should try to focus on settling with one of my ex-boyfriends as opposed to taking a dip in the gentleman pool of alcoholic 30-somethings whose attention spans don’t last longer than a Kylie Kardashian hair cut and stick to simple manicures. I mean, come on, ain’t nobody got time.

Last season I knew Amanda and that abusive asshole Josh weren’t going to work. The viewers get some sloppy fifths from her this season as she’s onto a new guy to get over the last one. That’s not a spoiler, that is the trailer trash from the Bachelor live show. I wish they would Java dump the patrons of the show and by that I mean give them all the coffee they can drink so they never come out of the bathroom. I feel like having the same people come back season after season cheapens the institution of love.

On a high note Bachelor in Paradise producers and staff are having fun with the show behind the scenes and it shows. Occasionally, we get to see two crabs humping or some campy overproduced transition. Even the title shots are reminiscent of 80’s shows like the Love Boat and you can tell they know the show is a joke and they are not only in on it, but telling it over a megaphone. I’m glad we didn’t have to say R.I.P. to B.I.P. and get to enjoy another season of free flowing misery for the socially shell shocked.

Drinking Johnny Bootlegger on a Champagne budget. Editor @ and

Drinking Johnny Bootlegger on a Champagne budget. Editor @ and