Rant: I’m a God servant nah, mutherfuckers!

My life right now feels like an action thriller where God is Vin Diesel literally slaying all of the obstacles in my life with his snowboard of hope and zip line of courage. I’m slightly afraid that that last sentence is going to offend Him and subtract enough good points (of which, admittedly, there are few) to put me back in the negative karma bank where life is jamming lemons down the back of my shirt while I swipe at them and, you know, my arms just don’t bend that way! I learned a long time ago that if life gives you lemons you let them sit in the produce section of the refrigerator wondering if they are supposed to be cold or left in room temperature, eventually to bring them out and sit on the counter until someone points out they are way past decay and the decorative quality they should have has swung to the other side of “gross to look at” and “a health hazard”. Anyway, back to Vin Diesel, now that I understand the way the spiritual world works I think the creator of Care Bears WAS A GENIUS. The bears represent the spiritual things you don’t want to admit to believing in. No one wants to say out loud “my best friends are tiny bears that each possess a unique aptitude, a sublime talent if you will, and when they band together hand in hand and point their tiny bellies at you the POWER and the HEALING of their combined intentions is enough to cure the world of it’s bitter ailments” many people out there don’t want to say “Yeah, I believe in God”. I mean how poignant is The Land Without Feelings (1983) where Kevin, after losing a friend that has moved away, declares he doesn’t want to have feelings? How many ways has this happened to you? After a break up, after a divorce, after you lose loved ones unexpectedly in an accident? Kevin, and the children with whom he joins in the Land are turned into green creature things. Green, as we know is symbolic for greed, envy. Greed can come in many forms…entitlement for one. He clings to these emotions to keep him from his feelings just like we commonly see in addiction. It is the care bears job to instill the feelings of the creator back into Kevin and the others. But it is harder to care bear stare into darkness, there has to be enough light for them to find their way. But, you know, Journey-to-joke-alot (2004) is the one that really tore me down, stuck a tiny ornate letter opener into my rib and twisted….ooooh weee. I’ll save that for date two. Cheer bear, friend bear, funshine bear, good luck bear are in the kingdom of caring just waiting for your call like a B rated actor in a Jerry Lewis Telethon. I’m happy to say that I’ve struggled for years in the face of adversity and when I was green and walking around with my friends looking like the human centipede the obstacles harder to climb, looked bigger and I was disappearing into the dark. The Land of No Feeling was just the name on the outside, somewhere I was still feeling, but I only knew to react. Today I have new age bears just beaming rays from their carefully crafted abs or “core muscles” like relax bear, meditation bear, “hey man” bear, “have a coke” bear, Ted talks bear and everything-is-going-to-be-okay transcendental bear. I’ve had to go through shit in the last two years that might justify a free trip to the Land of Really Vengeful Feelings That Could Easily Justify Brutal Acts, but luckily someone invited me onto a raft in the rainbow waters. I don’t go to church, but I’m pretty sure you could print this essay and take it to your preacher. Good for one week attendance free.

Drinking Johnny Bootlegger on a Champagne budget. Editor @ www.DIYrrhea.com and www.realfakepersonals.com

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