Sunfortunately: A Summer Synopsis

Today I’d like to expose the naked truth behind an illness that carries such a strong stigma it’s rarely spoken of and some people don’t even know it exists. As a person who suffers from this disease, among mounds of others (diseases, not people with this similar disease per say), I feel it is my societal responsibility to bring it to light. And pardon that last pun because what I’m talking about is an abhorrence to the sun, an infliction technically known as Heliophobia. I. hate. the. sun.

Person next to me: “What?!!! You can’t hate the sun, that’s like hating Disneyland!”

Me: “I had my first cigarette at Disneyland.”

P.N.T.M.: “Oh, you’re just one of those people that likes to hate what everybody else likes and like what everybody hates.”

Me: “That’s true..I like you.”

P.N.T.M.: “If it weren’t for the sun, you wouldn’t have tobacco or the lighter to have that cigarette.”

Me: “Great point and if it weren’t for Disneyland, there would not have been the rabies break out in actual animals and scabies breakouts in people dressed as animals of 2001.”

P.N.T.M. “Well, you’re just a pilgrim of everything that sucks.”

Me: “I am on an epic voyage, that’s for sure. And I think it’s time to sail away, you know, make like Napolean and bone apart.”

P.N.T.M. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Me: “It means as much as I like you we should still probably move on to people other than each other grandly attributed to how this conversation is going.”

P.N.T.M. “Sounds good.”

Me: “Shall we?” (I hold door to elevator open. We both enter) What floor?”

P.N.T.M.: “26 please.”

Me: “Sure, no problem.” (Pressing 26 and 34, the door closes)

Don’t take it personal. Don’t think because someone doesn’t like Disneyland that means they don’t like you or even more specifically, America. Not liking the sun doesn’t equate to not loving freedom like loving Donald Trump does. God, I feel so much better now. I feel like I’m getting the topics out of the way and now getting to the real issues. It’s actually not that I dislike the sun, it’s that I’m afraid to go outside living in this semblance of Back to the Future II. It’s that the sun feels like it might just be a prop like in the Truman Show and I’m afraid I might get hit in the head rendering me to vote for someone like Trump. In that case I hope it hits me hard enough that I have amnesia and forget what it was like to have Obama as president.

In short “the sun” although it provides loads of Vitamin D (see also Russian pee party, foreign model infestation, Billy Bush recording) it can cause burns that last for long periods and start to scab over. It’s the leading cause of climate change, but refuses to acknowledge it.

I’m sorry, I think what I’m really trying to get as is the uncomfortability of this summer. Not my fave summer I have to admit and that’s what this is all about. Like a couple summers ago that song “Cake by the Ocean” came out. That was an awesome summer! Last summer I went across country in a Winnebago with my twenty five year old side hustle, begging people to say we were friends of theirs so we could swim in the fancy hotel pools of Mesquite. This time last year I was drinking a Four Loco on the roof of the Winnie making comments about the cheesy guys paying for the non-stop orbit of scenic helicopter rides overhead.

Is anyone else having a lame summer? Summer ’17, “Climate Lame: The Millenium is Already Sounding Like Less of a Name for a Nightclub and more like a Brand of Condoms”. If they were big enough I’d gladly wear one over my entire body to protect me from getting D’d by going outside. I mean, I’m still cool and fun, so it must be Trump. If anyone hates Furries with Scabies, it’s Trump. It’s almost like the only way to stay healthy anymore is to flood your DVR with reality shows. Knowhati’msayin’?

Drinking Johnny Bootlegger on a Champagne budget. Editor @ and

Drinking Johnny Bootlegger on a Champagne budget. Editor @ and