The Cancer Card

Severe Rant Warning!

Are more and more people coming out with cancer or am I just noticing because of my recent cancer diagnosis? Is cancer like buying that red Mitsubishi and suddenly noticing that a lot of people actually own those cars or is everybody just really into Mitsubishi’s? I used Mitsubishi because I don’t really like those cars and since cancer sucks I figured, using the transitive theorem, you know if a=b and b=c then b must also = c. Yes, Mitsubishi is the cancer of cars IMO. And a red one? Good luck explaining that to the officer.

Which brings me to the cancer card. Fortunately, I have cancer because I used to not be able to make fun of it. It’s one of those things, ya know, if you aren’t in the club you can’t say it. It’s the N word of ailments. If I want to say the N word, I better have a pretty good reason to say it that involves having cancer. I think it might be the only in I have. If I get pulled over in a red Mitsubishi for saying the N word I am keeping a deck of cancer card(s) shuffling them and taking bets. Oh look what I pulled out…the cancer card…all racial slurs, bad car choices, red lights and raqueteering charges dropped!

It’s amazing to imagine being delivered a speeding ticket and not having to show my boobs. And yet since I have cervical cancer my boobs will remain great and in showable condition. Since I never got in the habit of flashing my cervix having it destroyed by radiation has no effect on my sexually manipulative life and I will be able to continue on my self-destructive path of objectifying myself for monetary gain. This will also have no effect on my involuntary self-destruction by cancer and everyone gets what they want.

Huh?

So in short. I have cancer, this is how I’m dealing with it.