The Path of Totes

Do not look at the solar eclipse, but if you do you may become a life saving mutant. I make no l claims that the previous statement is true.

That’s what I’m calling the Path of Totality for short. I’m literal a few feet away from this dead zone that starts tomorrow at 10:19 am. I live in Portland, but a mere 45 miles south and you enter McMinnville which is on the inner skirts of the trail. When I first heard someone mention the Path of Totality it sounded like someone who was very high on drugs and had entered a new brand of enlightenment on the market. “Duuuuuuuddddddeee, I’m in the path a totality and prob not coming down for awhile dude so you’ll have to find someone else to watch Bub, your cat with the cool ass name.” When you call a quarrel between Nations the “War on Terrorism” you sell more guns. When you call an eclipse “The fucking Path of TOTALITY” you sell more glasses. I think we should call Guinness because for 4 minutes this eclipse could go in the books as the longest period of time the country wasn’t thinking about Star Wars. Path of Totality DOES sound pretty fucking cool. So what is it?

Sun>0-earth. Does that make sense? And it doesn’t happen all the time. Looking at the sun causes blindness so I wouldn’t recommend doing it, however, it would probably one of the coolest blind stories that is out there, just sayin’. Otherwise you can view the eclipse through a solar lens or pre-made glasses. Or you can look at it through a pin hole like a sun pervert. You decide, but the glasses are sold out and some guy out here made a rumored million dollars from turning around and jacking up the price by 1000%. And to make them yourself costs 3 hours time for 4 minutes pleasure (pleasure is the wrong word…4 minutes of satisfied staring).

I literally was at the store and the lines were backed up with people stocking up on water, pills, loads of food. People were stocking up on emergency items like the eclipse is actually just the moon blocking out their brains. If you have glasses you actually can see a tiny part of their amygdala showing and when the eclipse is over it actually leaves a shadow of humiliation that has no boundaries (as a side note Amygdala’s have scientifically been found to be smaller in people who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. The name comes from the Latin word for Almond). The Path of Totality seems like just a metaphor for what American’s do best. Wait for shit to happen, go crazy for a few minutes then get back on our phones and try to occupy our time until some more shit happens.

Please leave a comment below if you know anything about the next event happening that we American’s can migrate to and spend money doing it, thanks!



Drinking Johnny Bootlegger on a Champagne budget. Editor @ and

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