Tips From A Survival Expert: “Right now is a really great time to teach your children how to make bathtub booze”
My name is Dana Lovering, I’m the owner of a website “Armaget-it-on.com” that I’ve been running from the pool area of my condo complex for the last year and a half. Today, I have the priveledge of doing an all-inclusive interview with Carrie Logan, a retired YMCA activities coordinator that I had the fortune of running into when I picked up a pallet of Bouillion at the Food4Less down the street. Please find the interview in my blog below!
Me: Thanks so much for doing this-
Carrie: Oh, well, I’ve read your blog and you’re a bit of a numbers cruncher. All I have to say is ‘The gym is closed for business!’ So if you’re doing numbers crunches, number squats, number bicep [sic] curls…it’s time to take a break, get out in the world and do some workouts like the real survivalist have been doing for years! That said, I’m happy to be here serving you…I mean men, women and children…not to mention the gender fluids. And the solids. The, you know, ‘them’. Or ‘they’. Those people.
Me: So I have a lot of questions for you. The main thing I wanted to get to is this: What would be some of the most important skills to hand down to our kids, and by that I mean actual survival skills as well as some tools for coping with stress or panic?
Carrie: Panic excites me, okay. I tell kids panic is an opportunity to act. Just like winter signals to us “Hey, it’s time to start storing nuts for the winter”, panic tells us “Start going on the Craigslist free section a little bit at a time and picking up used bathtubs.” So, now you’re scratching your head thinking used bath tubs? Yes, and I’ll tell you why. They’re essentially bulletproof. Once you get the used bathtubs you can stack them up and build a wall in your backyard, fill in the gaps with sandbags. Then you not only have a protective wall, but you have storage bins or a perfect place to put excess food or you know make bathtub gin.
Me: Okay, I feel like I need to rewind a bit. First off, do the bathtubs have to be used? Second off, I’m wondering where the actual gun fire is coming from? Also, do you think its a good time for parents to be jumping in and discussing making alcohol with their kids?
Carrie: Think about it. I don’t mean think like you work for those little flimsy magazines that sell Scholastic books to third graders, I mean think like you’re on naked and afraid, but you’re right here with me in this barren pool perimeter, the Corodavirus [sic] has gone haywire, all the toilet paper is on fire and the only thing left of sustenance is the stuff you hoarded and framed in with your military style bathtub fortification.
Me: Okay, I’m trying to get there.
Carrie: Now you go even further and think about all the people who are ill prepared who are now searching for resources. Word is out that you’ve got your stash, maybe a little garden, some medicinal plants, some of those people got fibromyalgia too and so you gotta worry about that, aren’t you gonna want a little smack smack so you can protect yourself?
Me: I’m not following.
Carrie: Puka shells, CD jewel cases, Molotov Cocktails, high grade hydrogen peroxide TATP type explosive, I teach the kids to make it 70 proof, works as an antiseptic, cleans wounds, gets the bacteria out. You drink it and won’t even feel the baby coming.
Me: What baby?
Carrie: And then naturally people are also going to want to be taking baths. Baths will definitely be a commodity. Some guy climbs on top of your structure and tries to take a bath and the whole thing topples over. Then what? The bees are angry. You gotta hide behind an ATM because it’s the nearest thing you can find that can’t be penetrated by a 50 calaber desert eagle.
Me: I’m still not getting where all this gun fire is coming from?
Carrie: I have an ATM machine in my bedroom. There’s a guy on Youtube that will show you how impenetrable these things are. Pretty convenient too. See, I’ve thought that one through. People are going haywire and slitting each other throats, all the livestock has been used up and the parts that got left behind have rotted out to the point where you’d get sick or contract something if you even tried to cook them down. Meanwhile, I’ve got this thing stocked and loaded with twenties.
Me: Twenties? Calibers?
Carrie: At my convenience I can come up and take out a couple twenties or a hundred. Probably not a hundred, probably take a couple twenties at a time.
Me: That is very confusing.
Carrie: Right now is a really great time to teach your children how to make bathtub booze.
Me: Does it have to be called smack smack?
Carrie: There are some things kids just don’t need to know. You do not want to confuse them into thinking all of that alcohol is all for you. That would be scary. Give them a list of names, even if you have to make them up, of all of the people in the neighborhood that you’re ‘helping’. Say ‘helping’ like you mean it. Then throw out some names like B. Bob, Nancy Palosi, Dad…wherever he is…and Kurt the neighbor.
Carrie: The baby is coming.
Me: So, we’re running out of time. You’ve been very informative.